I'm feeling all blah tonight. My husband is gone for the night--more soccer stuff. He just called me and he's with two of his good guy friends at Buffalo Wild Wings having a good time watching the game--my mom and dad are in Dover, Delaware so I can't go hang out with them like a good daughter....and everyone else is otherwise occupied with their much cooler, less pregnant friends. I do mean everyone. I wouldn't just single out one or two. lol I just kinda feel stuck here and feeling like a loser. My own kids dont want to spend time with me. Its just me and the computer and this house, pretty much. I'm letting tweedle dee and tweedle dum play since they're being so sweet. But they made it very clear that even they don't want me interfering. When did I become yesterday's dirty socks? Anyway, I do have better things to do than dwell on this--off to do some laundry-speaking of dirty socks--and clean the kitchen and maybe take a long shower to drown my craziness. I wish so badly that I could drink it all away....but that day will come, too. One day I'll be cool enough to talk to again. Until then I'll just be here! It seems like anytime I try NOT to be negative, the negative hunts me down and beats me into submission. I pray about it, I try to do something about it, but its got me by the throat just dragging me along. Ever felt that way? Oh! And one other thing--we all have our issues and things--just for future reference, I HATE "keep things pretty, sugar-coated" conversations.....k? Mood swings? maybe....probably not tho....just feeling like....this.
... Deciding to revive a once-lost memory is intimidating. The will to bare your thoughts, sometimes unedited, for public viewing, conjures images of hiding behind my mother's dress at church -just to get a good peek at things before edging into view. If only writing gave us at least that safety net. A conversation with a friend inspired this post, a decade after shutting down and retreating to small blurbs on social media. I asked why she hasn't 'written that book.' You know, when judging others, you're just asking to be judged yourself--and our toughest judge typically is our own inner voice. Henceforth, I have determined that on this day, in order to practice what I speak, in absolute protest against my tendency to imposter syndrome, I'll be writing again. It isn't that I stopped communicating but I stopped sharing my thoughts so openly. I'll update the happenings of the past decade and plan a fresh look to this space. Everchanging, Kristen
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