Friday, July 27, 2007

lol--junk in your trunk or ooze in your shoes? (x-post)


This was just posted on a message board that I check regularly, and oh my goodness I almost peed myself reading it. My poor baby was just squished by every laughing muscle I have, and my ribs hurt----lol
100% stolen from another site but hilarious.

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between marked with **s.


Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

**Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they're interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it's flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that's clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

**Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It'll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

**You'll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

**and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

**all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

**The McDonald's Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you'll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

**Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding "The Bullet" at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

**You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

**Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It's simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

**Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

**If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, "I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants."

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

**Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

**In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

wow, being pregnant and having friends obviously does not work!!

I'm feeling all blah tonight. My husband is gone for the night--more soccer stuff. He just called me and he's with two of his good guy friends at Buffalo Wild Wings having a good time watching the game--my mom and dad are in Dover, Delaware so I can't go hang out with them like a good daughter....and everyone else is otherwise occupied with their much cooler, less pregnant friends. I do mean everyone. I wouldn't just single out one or two. lol I just kinda feel stuck here and feeling like a loser. My own kids dont want to spend time with me. Its just me and the computer and this house, pretty much. I'm letting tweedle dee and tweedle dum play since they're being so sweet. But they made it very clear that even they don't want me interfering. When did I become yesterday's dirty socks?  Anyway, I do have better things to do than dwell on this--off to do some laundry-speaking of dirty socks--and clean the kitchen and maybe take a long shower to drown my craziness. I wish so badly that I could drink it all away....but that day will come, too. One day I'll be cool enough to talk to again. Until then I'll just be here! It seems like anytime I try NOT to be negative, the negative hunts me down and beats me into submission. I pray about it, I try to do something about it, but its got me by the throat just dragging me along. Ever felt that way? Oh! And one other thing--we all have our issues and things--just for future reference, I HATE "keep things pretty, sugar-coated" conversations.....k? Mood swings? maybe....probably not tho....just feeling like....this.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

baby names


Well I said before that if this baby is a boy, its name would be Davin---Davey decided he doesn't really like that name very much and gave me a really good reason why, so I've decided that its okay NOT to use that name....
A little girl will be Ella or Ellie, and I'm keeping the name we've chosen for a boy kinda quiet except to close friends and relatives that I can trust not to say ugly things....
As far as my immediate family (mom dad siblings etc...) the baby will be Harry or Sue. lol I'm not telling them another thing because they've been so rude about it. Its my baby and if I want to name it Prudence or Darwin or Nancy or John or whatever,  I will! (I don't like those names, btw...lol)
In other words....people need to keep their comments to themselves. just like with TRIP I will call my child what I want to, like it or not.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

update today's ultrasound @ 24 weeks


I had a follow-up ultrasound at my appt today to check the baby's dilated kidneys I think I posted about in a previous blog....
 
Well, we didn't get a single good picture, because baby is head-down and face-down and refused to turn for us, so we could see either the face or the profile, so I didn't bother to ask for a picture.

Also, the kidneys are dilated still, and a little more than last time but they said that it is not severe yet--and that they'll continue to do u/s at each appt to monitor it. Dr. said I'm in great shape, staying well hydrated and gained 15lbs. My bp was normal, and everything looked good!

Baby's hb was 148bpm, and I forgot to ask how long he/she is and the weight...I can tell you this baby's grown a BUNCH tho!! I'm finally feeling those nice big kicks that give me crazy indigestion now. lol

I'm trying not to worry...."Do not be anxious about anything..." I'm gonna have to write that on some index cards and hang them around to remind me....I just feel like there should be something I can do to make this not get to a severe point, or something--I guess I'm spoiled having two children who have had no real medical issues....so this little one is making me worry a lot. Plus, not knowing the sex and this baby not letting us get a good look at its face is making it kinda hard for me...I want to get to know this baby like I did the others, and kinda have a face to go with the little movements I'm feeling. I mean, I have a crazy bond with this one already, there's just something about getting to look at that profile and imagine what your baby is gonna look like, and knowing that you already know that curve of the chin and the shape of the nose, etc...like I did with the other two. This has been just a different, extra special surprising experience altogether.  The baby wants to remain a mystery just like it was from the very beginning! How DO you get pregnant on birth control? I'm a walking billboard for it!!! lol
Okay, so now I'm rambling but Davey isn't here for me to spill it all to so you're stuck reading it. 

BTW the u/s tech said she wouldn't be able to see the sex if we wanted to anyway, b/c the baby also had its legs crossed!!! Silly baby!! I guess its bashful. 

If you can't tell, I'm kinda down and making myself be positive and up-beat.
I need some ice cream, STAT!